Vary funy

I have a long list of my sexual conquests. Or my "criminal record" as the police call it.

Joke aa

The I 94 was blocked for an hour yesterday after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady. Police are describing it as a freak accident.

Abortion joke

A police officer is driving down a quiet road when he sees a pregnant Chav girl with a coat hanger up her pussy. Police officer says “I'm arresting you on suspicion of performing an illegal abortion” The Chav girl replies “Nah mate, I'm just piercin' its ears, init."

The secret to drinking beer

Beer - is it good for you? The answer...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter and sexier after a few beers.

Joke 5

Hey, Check out this hilarious joke: I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"

Tell the truth

Hey, Check out this hilarious joke: A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

Don't drive with your wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic fine."The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?""Only when he's been drinking."

Don't go to jail joke

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out his weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday". Monday , the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this.....o O ... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do ? " the judge asked the second guy." Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" asked the judge." " Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles).... o O I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison......(pointing to the big circle) "this is your asshole in prison!"

Not funny

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Joke 4

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good! "The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up."Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Joke 3

Three cowboys get drunk at a bar. Cowboy #1 demands a whore from the bartender. The whore-less bartender goes to the supply shop and desperately asks the clerk for a prostitute. Although the clerk doesn't have a whore, he has an inflatable woman. The bartender takes it to the second floor of his bar, blows it up, and lays it on the bed. Going back downstairs, he tells the cowboy that she is upstairs. Cowboy #3, the smallest goes first and stays up for ten minutes after which he comes back down. When asked by the others about her, he replies "She had a firm body, but she sure didn't say much."They laugh and cowboy #2, a medium sized man goes up. Upon his arrival in the bar he is asked the same question to which he gives the same answer. Cowboy #1, the biggest, goes up and two minutes later comes down with a dazzled expression. "What happened?" the others asked."When I got on top of her, she suddenly farted and jumped out the window!"

Political joke

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only half the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.