Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Joke aa
The I 94 was blocked for an hour yesterday after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady. Police are describing it as a freak accident.
Abortion joke
A police officer is driving down a quiet road when he sees a pregnant Chav girl with a coat hanger up her pussy.
Police officer says “I'm arresting you on suspicion of performing an illegal abortion”
The Chav girl replies “Nah mate, I'm just piercin' its ears, init."
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The secret to drinking beer
Beer - is it good for you? The answer...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter and sexier after a few beers.
Joke 5
Hey,
Check out this hilarious joke:
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
Tell the truth
Hey,
Check out this hilarious joke:
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
Don't drive with your wife
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic fine."The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?""Only when he's been drinking."
Don't go to jail joke
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out his weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday". Monday , the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this.....o O ... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do ? " the judge asked the second guy." Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" asked the judge."
" Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles).... o O I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison......(pointing to the big circle) "this is your asshole in prison!"
Not funny
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Donner kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Joke 4
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good! "The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up."Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
Joke 3
Three cowboys get drunk at a bar. Cowboy #1 demands a whore from the bartender. The whore-less bartender goes to the supply shop and desperately asks the clerk for a prostitute. Although the clerk doesn't have a whore, he has an inflatable woman. The bartender takes it to the second floor of his bar, blows it up, and lays it on the bed. Going back downstairs, he tells the cowboy that she is upstairs. Cowboy #3, the smallest goes first and stays up for ten minutes after which he comes back down. When asked by the others about her, he replies "She had a firm body, but she sure didn't say much."They laugh and cowboy #2, a medium sized man goes up. Upon his arrival in the bar he is asked the same question to which he gives the same answer. Cowboy #1, the biggest, goes up and two minutes later comes down with a dazzled expression. "What happened?" the others asked."When I got on top of her, she suddenly farted and jumped out the window!"
Political joke
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only half the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Kobe Bryant fined $100,000 for gay slur
Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 by the NBA on Wednesday for a gay slur that commissioner David Stern called "offensive and inexcusable."
Bryant apologized Wednesday and said that his comments "should not be taken literally," but he also said that he will appeal the fine.
After receiving a technical foul during Tuesday's game against the San Antonio Spurs, Bryant stormed to the bench, hit his seat before sitting down, threw a towel and then yelled "Bennie!" toward referee Bennie Adams. Bryant then leaned back and muttered a gay slur.
The episode was caught on camera on TNT's national telecast, prompting announcer Steve Kerr to say: "You might wanna take the cameras off of him right now, for the children watching from home."
As gay and lesbian advocacy groups started to cry foul Wednesday afternoon, Bryant issued a statement.
"My actions were out of frustration during the heat of the game, period," he said. "The words expressed do NOT reflect my feelings towards the gay and lesbian communities and were NOT meant to offend anyone."
Bryant appeared on ESPN 710's "Mason & Ireland" show later Wednesday afternoon. Asked what he would say to Adams now, Bryant laughed and said: "That wasn't a damn foul."
Bryant then said that he actually did talk to the referee.
Since the 2005-06 season, Kobe Bryant has ranked in the top 10 for technical fouls each season. He's been in the top four in five of those six seasons and led the league in 2007-08. He's averaging 14 per season during that span.
"We talked after the game when both of us were a lot calmer," Bryant said on "Mason & Ireland." "Officials understand that, understand that you have emotional outbursts during the course of the game. That doesn't actually mean what you say."
Bryant admitted his choice of words was not appropriate.
"The comment that I made, even though it wasn't meant in the way it was perceived to be, is nonetheless wrong, so it's important to own that," Bryant said.
Bryant added: "The concern that I have is for those that follow what I say and are inspired by how I play or look to me as a role model or whatever it is, for them not to take what is said as a message of hate or a license to degrade or embarrass or tease. That's something I don't want to see happen. It's important for me to talk about that issue because it's OK to be who you are, and I don't want this issue to be a part of something or to magnify something that shouldn't be."
Stern strongly condemned Bryant's use of the slur in a statement.
"While I'm fully aware that basketball is an emotional game, such a distasteful term should never be tolerated," he said. "Accordingly, I have fined Kobe $100,000. Kobe and everyone associated with the NBA know that insensitive or derogatory comments are not acceptable and have no place in our game or society."
Friday, on ESPN Radio's "Mike and Mike in the Morning," Stern said he did not speak directly with Bryant about the outburst, but that someone did so on his behalf.
"He understood immediately," Stern said of Bryant's reaction to that conversation. "I think the point was made. I think he was on reflection aghast at what he had done."
Saying that the league's fine is "a judgment call that they decided to make and I'm going to abide by it," Bryant also said he would appeal.
"We are appealing it, yeah, that's just typical protocol, and what they do with the response we'll wait and see," he said.
Bryant was asked if he knew what he did was wrong after he uttered the phrase that got him in trouble.
"I was thinking about the game. I wasn't thinking about anything," he said on "Mason & Ireland." "I was thinking about the game and thinking about, 'Damn, I'm sittin' on the bench and this is a big game for us and we have to win it.' Because I was in the moment. I was in the moment and obviously the emotions of the game. Being wrapped up in the moment and having those outbursts is totally normal.
"Hopefully, other players look at what happened to me and what I said and understand you have cameras around the league and there are a lot of things being said that shouldn't be said. Hopefully, we all learn from this experience and follow suit."
The Lakers, who were battling Dallas for the second seed in the West, beat the Spurs 102-93 on Tuesday. The Lakers did end up with the No. 2 seed, and will face No. 7 New Orleans at 3:30 p.m. ET Sunday at Staples Center.
Stern's action drew praise from gay-rights organizations that have demanded a fuller apology from Bryant and the Lakers.
"We applaud Commissioner Stern and the NBA for not only fining Bryant but for recognizing that slurs and derogatory comments have no place on the basketball court or in society at large," said Joe Solmonese, president of Human Rights Campaign -- a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization. "We hope such swift and decisive action will send a strong and universal message that this kind of hateful outburst is simply inexcusable no matter what the context."
Bryant called Solmonese Wednesday before the Lakers' game at Sacramento to apologize and express regret.
"I applaud Kobe Bryant for his swift apology," Solmonese said in statement. "We had a very sincere conversation in which he expressed his heartfelt regret for the hurt that his words caused. He told me that it's never OK to degrade or tease, and that he understands how his words could unfortunately give the wrong impression that this is appropriate conduct. At the end of a difficult day, I applaud Kobe for coming forward and taking responsibility for his actions."
Bryant also told "Mason & Ireland" that he will try to be more involved with gay and lesbian issues by reaching out to groups to help.
"It's not OK to insult or disrespect," he said. "It's not the right thing to do, so I will be saying something to them, so hopefully we can do some things to try to prohibit violence, to prohibit hate crimes and things of that nature because it's extremely important to do that."
The 32-year-old Bryant is a former league MVP, a 13-time All-Star, the leading scorer in Lakers franchise history and sixth on the NBA's career list after passing Moses Malone last month. He was the MVP of the NBA Finals while leading the Lakers to back-to-back titles.
Bryant has been among the NBA's most popular players worldwide for most of his 15-year career, spent entirely with the Lakers, even after he was arrested and accused of sexual assault in 2003 in a case that was later dropped. He has several lucrative endorsement deals with companies ranging from Sprite to Turkish Airlines.
His No. 24 jersey was the league's best-selling uniform among fans during each of the past two seasons, and Bryant's jersey finished second to LeBron James' new Miami uniform in the NBA's annual rankings released earlier Wednesday.
"It's unfortunate he got caught saying something like that. It came in the heat of the game. He made his apology, and we move forward," Lakers coach Phil Jackson said before his team faced the Sacramento Kings Wednesday night.
Gay-rights groups quickly denounced Bryant's actions against Adams. Jarrett Barrios, president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, saw an opportunity to put a spotlight on the unacceptable nature of anti-gay slurs.
"Professional sports players need to set a better example for young people who use words like this on the playground and in our schools, creating a climate of intolerance and hostility," Barrios said. "The LA Lakers have a responsibility to educate their fans about why this word is unacceptable."
Known as a fierce competitor with a nasty edge, Bryant has ranked among the NBA's top 10 accumulators of technical fouls during each of the past six seasons, and he has edged right up to the line of serious NBA discipline this spring. He ranks second only to Orlando's Dwight Howard in technical fouls this season, mostly for arguing with referees.
Bryant was called for an additional technical foul that was rescinded Monday. If Bryant had gotten another T in the Lakers' season finale at Sacramento on Wednesday night, he would have been suspended for the first game of next season, not for a playoff game.
Stern, on "Mike and Mike in the Morning," said the incident could serve as a teaching moment, as other issues the NBA has experienced have done.
"I think that people ... engage in conversations in the context of sports that they really don't engage in other places," Stern said.
"Remember, we started a pretty big conversation about AIDS when Magic Johnson announced he was HIV-positive," Stern said. "When a Ron Artest, after The Finals, thanks a lot of people including his therapist, people understand that we're dealing with human beings and we all have issues. And when we deal with a Kobe or an errant remark, it causes people to think."
Friday, July 19, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
good joke
A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"
The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
kill stealling mass effect 3
why do people feel the need to kill steal in mass effect 3. do you suck that bad you cant get your own.
drunk lame
so i am hanging out with the homeys an this 1 mug gets all but hurt cuz i wont buy a new case. i cant stand drunk lames.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
one more joke
A man walks into his bedroom with a
sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in
bed reading. The man says, “This is the pig
I have been fucking.”
His wife replies, “I think you’ll find that
is a sheep.”
The man replies, “I think you’ll find I
was talking to the sheep.”
joke
I was forcing the dog to give me a blow
job this morning when he suddenly turned
on me. Fortunately his arse was just as
good.
joke
A man was drinking alone at the bar.
“How come I never see you in here with
Phil any more?” the barman asks him.
“Well, would you drink with a bloke
who’s a liar, always late, borrows money he
never pays back, never offers to buy a
round, is jealous of everything you have
and as soon as your back is turned he tries
to fuck your wife and daughter?”
“Bloody hell, no!” says the barman.
“Well, neither would Phil.”
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Drug smuggling Scot is sentenced to a life in paradise Crook boasts of sunshine freedom
Sunshine freedom boasts ... Kelly Carrigan
EXCLUSIVE By PAUL THORNTON
Published: 29th June 2013
15
COKE smuggler Kelly Carrigan is boasting about lapping up the sun on perfect tropical beaches — instead of being banged up in a grim Caribbean nick.
The 34-year-old was freed earlier this year from a tough women-only prison on the Dominican Republic, where she was doing time for being caught with a £300,000 haul.
She was allowed to see out her sentence in the sun on the condition she holds down a job and checks in with a probation officer — but in her free time she relaxes among holidaymakers on Punta Cana beach.
The pretty mum-of-two keeps her two sons, pals and other family members updated on her enviable lifestyle via the internet — and has even bragged about hanging out with a pop band on a night out on the island.
In one post from March this year on her Facebook page she said: “Snowpatrol is on holiday here... going to see them at the Hard Rock Cafe... VIP... ”
It’s thought blonde Carrigan has a job in a hotel on the island — but guests there are unaware of her past as a drugs smuggler.
We told in 2009 how drug cops swooped on Carrigan and lover Daniel Patterson, 34, also from Glasgow, as they prepared to jet home in October 2008.
Officers found 15lb of cocaine in their luggage during the search at Punta Cana Airport.
Carrigan’s petrified children Jay, then just 10, and Kai, only eight, were thrown into an orphanage on the island until her shattered parents Ricky, 55, and Carol, 54, flew out to rescue them.
Carrigan was originally stuck in a tiny cell with a dozen other women while awaiting her trial.
In November 2009 she was found guilty and sentenced to eight years and had been held at the Najayo Mujeres jail in the country’s San Cristobal district.
Hard labour ... Carrigan spends time on stunning Punta Cana beach when she’s not working
But in February she was released from the nick and allowed to stay in a subsidised flat in Punta Cana, in a block along with other English speaking people.
As part of her early release she has to take part in the island’s work programme.
An insider in the prison department say that because Carrigan speaks English she’ll most likely be working in the resort — a huge draw for UK and US sunseekers.
The official — who asked not to be named — said: “Given that Miss Carrigan can speak English she will be employed somewhere where that can be put to good use. Her work will be in a hotel. Typically the type of work found for prisoners on early release will be in housekeeping duties.
“We have a very active rehabilitation programme that offers prisoners the chance to make their way back into society.
“They are given one chance. There is no second chance.”
Following her release Carrigan has wasted no time in sorting out an active social life.
In another post on her Facebook page she moans: “Insomnia can’t sleep poor me.”
Carrigan also posts a picture of a slogan which seems to celebrate her release. It reads: “Tough times never last, but tough people do.”
Last night a source said: “Kelly is free from prison but she still has to see out time in the Dominican Republic as a condition of her release.
“Being free from sharing cells and the local prison system is obviously an improvement but it’s thought she is still desperate to get home to her family.
“She’s been keeping in touch through Facebook and is keeping a brave face on things. It must be difficult being away from her family but I can think of worse places than a tropical tourist resort to see out a jail sentence.”
At the time of her arrest Carrigan told The Scottish Sun: “I know nothing about it — I’ve done nothing wrong.
“I don’t know if Daniel is innocent or guilty. I haven’t had a chance to speak to him yet.”
Last night Scots Tory chief whip John Lamont blasted the Dominican Republic justice system.
He said: “The way of life sounds like anything but punishment.
“This woman is probably amazed to have discovered a place on Earth with a softer approach to justice than Scotland.
“Compared to the kind of sentences on offer for drug offences elsewhere in the world, she’s got off extremely lightly. The important point is that drugs wreak misery on communities across Scotland, and those attempting to cash in on that deserve to be punished very severely.”
Carrigan’s release comes two years after Patterson, left, boasted of boozing and partying behind bars in another island jail.
In Facebook posts he bragged: “Wee hangover. Drinking rum shot last night. Banging sore head.”
And in another he said: “We can have parties here any time. No rules apply in this jail.”
Last night Foreign Office spokesman said: “We can confirm a British National was granted conditional release from prison in Dominican Republic.”
He added: “We have provided consular assistance.”
Carrigan’s father Ricky refused to speak about his daughter at his home in Glasgow last night.
paul.thornton@the-sun.c
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Woman Arrested After Deadly Shooting in North Mpls Overnight
Woman Arrested After Deadly Shooting in North Mpls Overnight
One man is dead and a woman was arrested after a fatal shooting in North Minneapolis Tuesday morning, according to police.
Police responded to a home in the 2400 block of Illion Avenue around 4:45 a.m., after a report of a shooting.
They found the body of a man who died from an apparent gunshot wound, according to police.
Police say witnesses are being interviewed, and they are not looking for any other suspects.
Monday, June 24, 2013
funny joke
Willow Smith is 12, has a tongue ring, half her head shaved, and is bisexual. She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel Air
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Coffin for sale on Craigslist — with a surprise inside
By Sophia Rosenbaum
Iowa police have a bone to pick with a local man who’s trying to sell a coffin on Craigslist.
Dave Burgstrum, from Council Bluffs, Iowa, is selling an oak coffin for $12,000 on Craigslist to help fund the now-defunct Council Bluffs chapter of the International Order of Odd Fellows, a fraternity that advocates for giving money to the poor, according to The Associated Press.
But there’s a catch: there’s a skeleton inside the coffin.
In his Craigslist ad, posted June 20, Burgstrum did not mention the human remains inside the coffin. Instead, he describes the coffin as “in very good condition” with bronze handles and lined with silk.
He told the AP the coffin was used in the past for the group’s rituals and that the bones had been in there for a long time.
“They were just there as long as anyone could remember,” he said.
Council Bluffs Police detective Michael Roberts told the AP that human remains cannot be sold if they are unidentified.
"If they had papers of origination, then they would be OK to own," Roberts said.
Burgstrum said lodge records show the skeleton was donated by a doctor in the 1880s.
The remains were sent to the Iowa State Medical Examiner’s Laboratory, but it is unlikely that the remains will be identified, the AP reported.
But Burgstrum doesn’t care what happens to the bones. He just wants to sell the coffin and preserve what he can for his organization.
“I'm ready to wheel and deal on it,” he said. “I'd like to get those taxes paid.”
lets help fight breast canser
there comes a time when we all must take a stance and help the world .give back something for all the good we have . itraid a free online classified site that helps to fight breat canser .so use the site and tell every one it cost you nothing but will help someone with canser .do your part thank you and god bless
Saturday, June 22, 2013
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