Vary funy

I have a long list of my sexual conquests. Or my "criminal record" as the police call it.

Joke aa

The I 94 was blocked for an hour yesterday after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady. Police are describing it as a freak accident.

Abortion joke

A police officer is driving down a quiet road when he sees a pregnant Chav girl with a coat hanger up her pussy. Police officer says “I'm arresting you on suspicion of performing an illegal abortion” The Chav girl replies “Nah mate, I'm just piercin' its ears, init."

The secret to drinking beer

Beer - is it good for you? The answer...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter and sexier after a few beers.

Joke 5

Hey, Check out this hilarious joke: I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"

Tell the truth

Hey, Check out this hilarious joke: A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

Don't drive with your wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic fine."The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?""Only when he's been drinking."